hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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