I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
