Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
