You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
