I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
