I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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