I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
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