I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
