my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
