Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
A+ Viking dick
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
