4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I love how my cats smell like pot.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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