Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Can Purell be used as lube?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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