3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
