I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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