Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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