I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Randomize
