My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
