I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
