I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
