Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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