Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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