Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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