i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
