Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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