I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
