I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
