My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
