If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm like, not good at living.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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