I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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