I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
she looked like the before picture.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
