come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
