Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Do you still have your period?
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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