You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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