I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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