3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Randomize
