he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
