You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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