Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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