dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
