We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
As shirtless as possible
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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