I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
