maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
