everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Randomize
