Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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