She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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