My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
