Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
