Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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