can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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