Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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